


i love you (but what does that even mean anymore?)

by jrnmin



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, Empty Kiss, Empty Words, Established Relationship, M/M, Or do they?, They love each other, Weird Feelings, i wrote this at 12 am if it’s bad im sorry, sunhwall - Freeform, sunjoon - Freeform, they can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong, they’re smoking a blunt in the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 18:45:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17986610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jrnmin/pseuds/jrnmin
Summary: sunwoo’s heart hurts. it’s not broken but it hurts. he just wants to fix this. he wants to fix this awkward aura that surrounds them all of a sudden, but he can’t. he can’t fix it if he doesn’t know what’s wrong.





	i love you (but what does that even mean anymore?)

sunwoo lets a sigh escape his lips as he takes the blunt out from in between them, smoke escaping along with the soft noise. he passes it to hyunjoon, who takes a hit, coughs a little, and then just lets it hang in between his fingers.

 

it was weird, the vibe that he and hyunjoon had as of late. they were off, not themselves whatsoever. spending time with hyunjoon almost felt foreign when it should feel comfortable.

 

it used to feel comfortable, but that slowly changed in the last few weeks and now it just feels as if his boyfriend was a total stranger.

 

they’re currently laid on a blanket at the beach. it’s late at night and the only light that seems to be emanating is coming from the moon and the small lantern they brought along. the sound of the waves crashing against the shore was soothing to sunwoo, the fact that he was super _duper_ high adding onto the satisfaction.

 

sunwoo turns his head to look at hyunjoon.

 

beautiful. that was always the first word sunwoo thought of when he saw hyunjoon. call him cheesy but it was just the plain truth. he especially loved hyunjoon’s eyes; they were so sharp and intense, yet soft and full of emotion at the same exact time. right now especially, the way they’re shining as he looks up at the stars in the sky. god, he was just so _so_ beautiful and sunwoo felt so _so_ weird.

 

hyunjoon looks over at him, raises an eyebrow, and passes him the joint. sunwoo takes it without hesitation and brings it up to his lips for the final time since it was almost burnt out. he breathes in and then out, smoke leaving his lips and even his nose this time. sunwoo lets out a few coughs and then takes it and digs the little that’s left into the sand, making sure it’s put out.

 

he then faces hyunjoon again to find the other looking back at him.

 

“joon, what’s going on?” his voice is a little raspy but it’ll go back to normal soon.

 

hyunjoon shakes his head slowly, “what do you mean?”

 

“we’re different.” sunwoo says, “we aren’t like we used to be.”

 

hyunjoon lets out a small chuckle, “of course, woo. we’ve grown up.”

 

sunwoo shakes his head quickly, “that’s not what i mean and you know it.”

 

hyunjoon’s small smile is replaced by a frown. his eyes travel down to the blanket, unable to make eye contact with sunwoo. sunwoo was still looking at him though. he was attempting to spot some sort of...well... anything on hyunjoon’s face.

 

“you don’t love me anymore?” sunwoo whispers.

 

hyunjoon’s head immediately snaps up, wide eyes meeting sunwoo’s.

 

“what?” he asks, seeming to be in disbelief. “sunwoo, _i love you._ don’t say shit like that, it’s not cool.”

 

sunwoo breathes in and out deeply, his eyes now casted down. “then what’s wrong?”

 

it sucks. he loves hyunjoon and he just wants this feeling of dread that was suddenly casted onto their relationship to go _away._ he wants to be able to look at his boyfriend and feel only love and happiness, not anxiousness. they’ve been so fidgety around each other lately and it’s just so abnormal.

 

“i don’t know.” he hears hyunjoon say.

 

he looks up, not wanting to miss any sign of emotionon hyunjoon’s face.

 

“then how can we fix this?” he asks, “it’s so weird between us lately. it can’t just be me who feels it.”

 

“it’s not. i feel it too. i just- i don’t know what’s off.” hyunjoon says, taking his hand and placing it on top of sunwoo’s.

 

“it’s not as if i don’t love you, because i do. i love you so much. yet, when we’re together it feels so strange. it never used to feel like this and i don’t know what changed.” hyunjoon says.

 

sunwoo’s heart hurts. it’s not broken but it hurts. he just wants to fix this. he wants to fix this awkward aura that surrounds them all of a sudden, but he can’t. he can’t fix it if he doesn’t know what’s wrong.

 

“maybe this happens sometimes?” sunwoo says, sounding unsure.

 

“i love you, too, joon. and if you still really do love me, then that can’t be what’s wrong. i- i just want to fix it. but i don’t know how.” he says, defeat evident in his voice.

 

“do you hate me for that?” hyunjoon asks, voice low, “for not knowing what’s wrong?”

 

sunwoo furrows his eyebrows and intertwines their hands, giving hyunjoon’s a soft squeeze.

 

“i could never hate you. _never._ ” he reassures.

 

hyunjoon smiles.

 

“do you think we’ll get past this?” he asks, “i feel a bit uneasy thinking about our future right now.”

 

sunwoo nods slowly, “so do i. but it’s okay. we’re us, we’ll get past whatever this is.”

 

sunwoo comes closer to hyunjoon, his hand coming up to cradle his cheek. he drags his thumb softly along hyunjoon’s lips, a shaky breathe escaping his own.

 

this is so weird, so fucking _weird._ why did sunwoo feel so awkward? he’s never felt awkward when he was about to kiss hyunjoon, not even the first time, so why _now?_

 

sunwoo finally connects their lips. he begins to move his lips against hyunjoon’s, hoping to feel that spark he always felt when they kissed. yet, hyunjoon just stayed there. he wasn’t kissing back. he just held his lips against sunwoo’s without any motive to kiss back. it felt wrong and empty and sunwoo hated it so fucking much.

 

he pulls away, not wanting that desolate feeling to consume him any longer.

 

when he looks at hyunjoon, he sees that his eyes and cheeks are wet. that he’s crying. and then sunwoo begins to cry. he begins to cry because he _knows._ he knows what’s going on now and he absolutely hates it.

 

he still loves hyunjoon, and hyunjoon still loves him, but that doesn’t mean anything anymore. it means absolute _shit_ right now. they both feel absolute emptiness, for lack of better words. their actions feel empty, their words feel empty, _they_ just feel _so_ empty.

 

“i-“ hyunjoon whispers, “i’m sorry.”

 

sunwoo nods, eyes looking down at their intertwined hands, “i am too, hyunjoon.”

 

“i don’t know why this is happening, sunwoo.” he sniffles, “i hate this shit so much. im so _lost_.”

 

“me too.” sunwoo says, barely audible.

 

they could blame whatever this is on the high, but they both know that isn’t it. they’ve been feeling this for a while. the _lack_ of feelings, especially for each other. and it’s not as if their lives are fucked up, it’s not as if they’re both going through shit. they’re seemingly perfectly normal on every aspect that doesn’t have to do with each other.

 

it fucking sucks.

 

hyunjoon pulls sunwoo closer, turning him around so that he lays against his chest and his arms go to encircle sunwoo’s waist. he’s holding him tight, he’s holding him _so_ tight that it’s almost as if sunwoo will disappear forever if hyunjoon lets him go. he lays his head on sunwoo’s shoulder, hands laid intertwined against his stomach.

 

they both stare out into the ocean and at the moon reflecting itself on the water.

 

a kiss is placed on sunwoo’s cheek, “i love you.” hyunjoon says.

 

what does that even mean anymore?

 

“i love you too.”

 

absolutely nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twt c;  
> @/rosyrenmin uwu  
> also, i love sunhwall and u should too


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